Please hear what I am not saying.

I have good news and not so good news. Let's start with the not so good...

The calc midterms are not fully graded yet, but I don't think I did well. We went over the first half in class today and I know that I got two 8-pointers wrong and a couple 2-pointers. Maybe I'll get partial credit for the 8-pointers... maybe. Maybe the curve will keep me from failing... maybe. It's very discouraging and it makes the decisions about my future even more difficult to make.

Now for the good news. I got a letter from the office of the registrar today. This is what it said: "On behalf of the University, it is my pleasure to inform you that you are a recipient of the William J. Branstrom Freshman Prize. This award is given annually to first year undergraduate students whose academic achievement during their first semester on campus places them in the upper five percent of their college class." It went on from there. That took me completely by surprise... I was totally not expecting it.

I want to tell people because I'm excited but I don't want to seem like I'm showing off my achievements. No one likes it when people are constantly displaying or telling about their achievements. If one of my friends did something great and told me, I'd be really happy for them. But I always have to be so careful about what I say and do here and elsewhere, perhaps more than other people. I can't tell people about the things that bother me or what I don't like because then they'll think I'm whiney and easily annoyed and what not. I can't be sarcastic or blunt (like I am) because then they'll think I'm mean and a horrible person when that is not my intention. I can't be openly happy or excited because then they'll think I'm weird or childish or, in this case, self-centered. I have to suppress myself here at college more than anywhere else... but maybe not completely anymore.

So this letter that I got almost makes me more depressed about my calc exam. I was doing so well and now it's ruined. If I hadn't been doing well, I'd have nothing to lose... but I did have something to lose and now it's gone.

The following song has been one of my favorites for a while.

Hold It Up To The Light
Smalltown Poets

It's the choice of a lifetime, I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right.
I will hold it up, hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light.

The search for my future has brought me here.
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight.
So hold it up, hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared. Is my life at stake?
But I know if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

Now as soon as I'm moving my choice is good.
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would.
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight.
If I hold up the light.

It's too late to be stopped at the crossroads,
Each life here and each a possible way.
But wait and they all will be lost roads;
Each path's growing shorter the longer I stay.

I was dead with deciding, afraid to choose.
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose,
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right.
I will hold it up, hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light.

Dilemma and indecision. Maybe I'll end up living in a trailer park waiting outside the gas station for the next batch of lottery tickets to come in. That's a semi-quote from Boy Meets World, by the way. I doubt one bad calc exam will result in that, but you never know... you never know how one small decision will change the course of your life. "Anything can change a life that's ready to be changed."

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Cru was cool and good tonight. After Cru, I went with a bunch of people to get ice cream and then we watched The Notebook in Tracy's room. It was really sad but really good. I didn't cry though... I was afraid that I would, but I didn't.